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Self-Care for the Memoir Writer

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Why are you writing a memoir?

For most, it is either that they are a celebrity or near-celebrity and want to share an intimate look of life behind-the scenes, or they have a particular brand of traumatic experience and want to share that. Of the latter, there are also at least two categories. The ones I recognize are ‘writing for therapy’ and ‘writing from hope.” I’m trying very hard to write from hope; a sense of hope that comes from having made a life for myself despite my early circumstances.

It’s my childish hope that one day my story might shed a little light into the dark places of another’s hardest moments. Be they in the past or present, there is a chance that those times can be made a little easier for others by reading about my determination to thrive.

It keeps me writing.

But, the writing process is fraught with triggers. I am intentionally looking into my own darkest moments, dusting them off and making them look brand-new for my reader’s viewing.

How does a writer work to take care of themselves as they willingly put themselves through that process on a daily basis? We all know about prayer, meditation, and yoga. I’m a mom-of-four, if I try to do yoga I typically end up with kids climbing on me. Prayer and meditation are hard with the constant screaming and interruptions.

I’ve looked for years and collected some of the best bits of other advice on how to recover from triggers. I’ve paid attention to what has worked to get me back to writing. Some have worked well; others have not. There is little rhyme or reason to the success or failure of any method, because each trigger and person is unique. My advice is to try them out and see what works best for you.

  1. Take a break: This works, but doesn’t help you get back to it if it turns into days or weeks.
  2. Take a walk: Did not work for me. The more you walk, the farther you are from home.
  3. Take a drink: I mean alcohol. This works, in moderation. I don’t like to “write drunk, edit sober.”
  4. Breathe: This works to bring me down one notch, but it is not effective if I need to come down ten notches.
  5. Change your temperature: This gem of advice from my therapist has been a game-changer. Get a cold cloth on your face, or warm sweater and socks on your body. It really helps shut down the physiological trigger process and helps me get back to center.
  6. Eat/drink: Really, how many of us forget to eat and drink enough while writing. Hunger and thirst can be triggers all by themselves. Self-care means feeding yourself!
  7. Call someone: Do you already have friends or family that support you through the process? Find someone you can call and talk to about your process. It will make your writing better.
  8. Journal: Not for the memoir, but just to get out all the thoughts and feelings you have that need to get out of the way before you can get back to writing good, concise stories.
  9. Watch mindless TV: Shut down your brains and dissociate! You have permission. Sometimes it can be very good to let go and let your brain work on it for a while. I have found it is much easier to go back and edit/finish writing that triggering piece after I have stewed on it awhile.
  10. Read something unrelated: For the same reason as mindless TV, but possibly more productive as reading helps to develop your voice. I also find that reading helps my own stories bubble up. Twice this week I have put down a book to write a story that needs to be added.
  11. Take a bath/shower: I think this works, in part, because it changes your temperature. I think it also helps to clear the air, ground out negative energy, and reset the mind. It can also help you to feel better about your appearance, which can give you an added boost.

If you have more coping strategies or want to share how these worked for you, leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

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Community Support Makes All the Difference

Who do you call if you need help moving a couch or a bed frame? Where do you turn if you need to pay a bill before your first paycheck comes in? Who do you call for advice if you have trouble with a landlord or roommate? Most of us call parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or siblings. Many of us have a best friend, coworker, or neighbor we’ve known long enough to form a relationship with, at least.

When you grow up in foster care, or just with negligent parents, the answer is different. Many of those family or otherwise long-term relationships that build social capital are torn asunder. Regardless of the cause, when a person moves frequently, they don’t have the opportunity to build long-lasting relationships in their community. This leaves them even more isolated than we might expect them to be.

Well, Oregon is reaching out to the helpers in their state to offer a helping hand to those we know need it. Their magnificent new idea in social innovation is called My Neighbor. It’s an online clearinghouse of volunteers who are ready, by phone or text, to offer support to foster youth in their community. They call it an “Emergency Response System” and it is already changing the outcomes for young people in and out of foster care.

Have a truck? You could volunteer to make a life-changing delivery of a bed to a foster youth’s first independent apartment.

Do you have a car? You could drive a young person to an opportunity-presenting interview.

Maybe you could tutor a young person hoping to pass a class or graduate. Maybe you could provide a much-needed bag of diapers and baby supplies to a struggling new parent. Maybe you could just donate a little money so that the organization can meet the emergency needs of a youth that calls in.

Imagine being the person that stops the initial event that would have led to a downward spiral?

When I was young, I had no one to call for help. I didn’t have the money to buy new brake pads for my car, so I drove on worn ones until the brakes stopped working. Then I walked. I lost my car, and then my job because of the cost of a pair of brake pads. It was four years of hard work before I was able to purchase another car, with the help of a friend’s parent. That single loan of $700 changed my life. I was able to work, and was then able to pay down debt. I eventually graduated from college, still driving that car. I wish I could call that man today and thank him for helping me turn things around. And, I wish I could change the script for all those in need. I can’t do that alone, but organizations like this one allow us to all pool what we have, or what we can do. They allow support for those individuals in need to come from a group of neighbors who decided that their lives were worth it.

Let’s work together to be those people.

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Philanthropic kids get creative, then get busy.

My children and I tend to bring a trash bag with us whenever we go into the woods. Human access leads to trash being dumped. We have upped our game and started taking walks and hikes with the express intent of cleaning the world. It’s their idea and I think therapeutic: It’s a tangible something they can DO to affect the state of our world.

I have always known that kids aren’t stupid, they’re just young. Because of COVID-19, kids across the country, and around the world, are out of school with a lot of free time on their hands. It’s not surprising that they are coming up with a lot of ideas about how to affect positive change in the world they will inherit. With the support of adults around them, they are working to make change happen. Big or small, I know their efforts are the right thing to do, for them and the people they serve. Follow the hyperlinks to articles for more detail on each story.

This young woman began hosting bake sales to raise money for Parkinson’s disease research. Inspired by a family who suffers from the horrible disease, she’s working to make sure others can have more effective treatments.

These Girl Scouts are collecting supplies to donate to the local animal shelter. They had plans to complete a group service project, but COVID-19 meant that they had to get creative with their project.

This young man started providing PPE to his community as an Eagle-scout project. He just couldn’t sit by doing nothing when he knew there were shortages happening.

I’m so proud of these young people getting out there to serve their communities despite the challenges of the pandemic. I look forward to the thoughts they will have about the world after this experience. Are you getting out to serve in your area? Comment below with your ideas!

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Recipes to use up Food Bank supplies.

Creative meals

Please stick with me as I attempt to use tech in new and interesting ways. This article will (eventually) have hyperlinks to the recipes themselves. If it works, items that have been underlined will lead you to other websites where I found recipes that worked well.

Food banks are amazing. They offer free food packages to families in need. Service varies by state, county, and town. In general, they all have an abundance of dry goods. Anyone who has survived with the help of food bank programs knows that after several weeks a household can end up with an abundance of supplies that can be difficult to integrate into menu items. I have experienced periods of my life where it was necessary getting creative with staples from the food bank programs. I have a few ideas that are pretty popular. I will link them here as I learn how to do so.

Recipes

  • Chicken pot pie: For this recipe, I mix two packets of “gravy” mix, a can each of drained carrots, corn, peas, and chicken (larger sized). If I have any I will dice potatoes and onions and cook them in some butter before mixing the gravy into the water. I do this all in the same pan. This is the filling to put into whichever crust you might have on hand. This can be made with variations for crusted, crust-less, and a Deconstructed version to use up Biscuit mix. If you try it, leave a comment below to let me know if you and your family enjoy it as much as we do?
  • Fry-bread / Fried dough is a great way to uses up dry flour, powdered milk, and vegetable oil. This can be served with chili and taco toppings, covered in a stew for a tasty, filling dinner, or as a dessert with honey butter and powdered sugar. Mmmmmmm. Not that there is any leftover, but if some pieces survive the onslaught of your horde it can be lain flat to freeze, then put into a zipper in the freezer. They work well in a toaster to re-heat. The same process works for leftover pancakes or french toast. Indeed, many times I have made triple-batches of these recipes just so that I could freeze a portion of them for quick meals to be pulled out later. What a time saver!
  • Vegetable soup. It was a revelation to me that I could add various canned vegetables to a pan and it would become soup! I use canned vegetables of several varieties, tomato paste or sauce, and dry beans can be added, soaked or not. Whatever you have in your stores. I usually start all my soups with a quart of broth, which can be homemade from leftover bones and veggies or canned. See the link below for a simple at-home broth. Usually, it takes a bit of tweaking to figure out which spices and flavors taste best, but this is by far the best and simplest way to use up those cans. Soup can also be frozen in small containers and brought out later for quick healthy meals.
  • Goulash. I think of goulash as a dry-soup. I use whatever pasta I have on hand and cook that until it’s just under-done. I add canned or frozen veggies and a can of pasta sauce. I might even throw in canned soups that are hanging around. I add the pasta once everything else has had time to heat through. This can be made in a meat or veggie version. Add salt, pepper, and garlic to taste.
  • What to do with canned cranberry sauce: You can make muffins, cookie bars, smoothies, or add to turkey sandwiches! I love cranberry sauce on my sandwiches.
  • Canned pumpkin. This changed my life. When I realized that pumpkin could go way beyond the pie, I realized how much I loved pumpkin in everything. My favorite recipe is to make a curry garlic pumpkin soup. We also like to make pumpkin pancakes. Let me know how you like to use up your pumpkin?
  • Make your own broth: It’s amazing how simple it is to create delicious, nutritious veggie or bone broths from the food you might otherwise have thrown away. I try to keep a zipper bag in my freezer and add the ends of veggies I’ve used in other recipes. when the bag gets full I dump the whole thing in a pot with water. I usually add any bones I have as well. I let it simmer with a little bit of vinegar added, sometimes overnight. This can also be done in a crockpot. Can be refrigerated or frozen. I suggest using smaller containers so you can pull out as much or as little as you need.
  • Easy dinners with rice as a base: There are so many ways to eat rice. Even leftover cooked rice can be turned into appetizing meals. I’ve made casseroles, Risotto, Fried rice, Veggie rice bowls (with or without egg), Rice cakes, and scrumptious easy rice pudding. For the pudding, I add a can of sweetened condensed milk, cinnamon, and raisins to a pan. I warm it up, adding a splash of water or milk if needed to thin it out. When it is warm enough to steam a little I add the cold leftover rice and stir until it is all warm.

I hope you find some use for the lingering items in your kitchen. If I have missed any good ones, please let me know in the comments below.

If you are hungry click here to find a food bank near you.

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In Plain Sight – Human Trafficking (Guest article by Doug Cox)

At first glance I hardly noticed her. Nothing was distinguishing about the girl.  Perhaps 16-17 years old she simply looked plain and simple in appearance and attire. Instinct told me to observe for a moment, something wasn’t right. Instead of moving toward the bus, she stayed back along the fringe of people waiting. Someone asked the time as he pointed toward her wrist. She turned away, head down. I realized how obvious this situation was as one observation led to another. 


It wasn’t long until it became clear she was waiting for something else, not the bus. As I looked closer her clothes were not tattered nor was she unkempt. What bothered me was that unlike most girls that age she wore no makeup, no jewelry, nothing to identify her. She carried no purse, no bookbag or backpack, she simply folded her arms in a protective or concealing way.  As I approached and spoke she was clearly scared and constantly scanning the cars approaching the intersection. Again she was clearly waiting for someone. 

I identified myself as a police officer and encouraged her not to be afraid, however, I needed to ask a few questions. I called for a female unit to assist in hopes she would be more comfortable. After calming and reassuring  “Mari” we discovered she had no identification, did not know her address, or even what neighborhood she lived in. Not a single coin or folded bill in her possession.  Finally, Mari offered that she had been working and missed her ride.

To cut to the chase, we learned Mari was previously living in a homeless shelter when she was offered work and housing by a nice woman she had seen helping others at the shelter. Mari and two other girls had been taken in approximately two months earlier but she had lost sense of any specific time.  Mari described the single room several girls were sharing. All of her identification and few possessions were taken. She recited the rules she was given and explained how scared she was of the man and woman in charge of the “apartment”.  The girls were emotionally abused and physically threatened. All were told they would receive their identification and possessions once housing debts were paid and they were relocated. Mari felt her only chance was to cooperate and accept the labor tasks as assigned. 

There is much more to this story however this clearly was a case of a young woman being held captive, enslaved, and waiting to be trafficked elsewhere. This is one example of human trafficking targeting homeless and vulnerable young women and teenage girls.  This situation may have been resolved however these investigations are far-reaching and seemingly never-ending.  Any suspicious activity such as described should be reported to the Department of Homeland Security and the “Blue Campaign” for immediate response and investigation. 

Please take the time to learn how human trafficking operates and warning signs to look for. Resources are available through several federal and local agencies including the FBI, Department of Homeland Security, US Immigration and Customs (ICE), local Police Departments, and Victim’s Assistance offices. 

Utilize these “Trafficking Indicator Resources”, and if ever in doubt contact: National Human Trafficking Hotline (NHTH), 1-888-373-7888 or text HELP or INFO to BeFree (233733)

Doug Cox can be found at https://twitter.com/Doug200C

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Educated. Tara Westover (Random House, 2018).

To read a memoir is to immerse oneself in the life, and trauma, of another person. If doing so also triggers flashbacks of my own trauma, it can take me weeks to recover. I generally take care to avoid or prepare for such experiences.

As happened with The Glass Castle, this story surprised me. I wasn’t expecting it. I joined a group of women in my town who all agreed to read it. We were given a timeframe and planned to hold a discussion once we were all done. It sounded like a fun way to maybe meet some new friends. I hadn’t read the blurb. I agreed to read it, knowing nothing about the subject matter. Despite the surprise at how triggering the content could be, I am so glad I did.

Tara Westover was raised by parents who ascribed to some of the more radical beliefs I knew to be part of the LDS faith. I met some people like them growing up in the Utah/Idaho area. I even share some of their desire to be self-sufficient and to be prepared for ‘the worst.” It was strange to read her story and identify with both the author and her family at times, given the divide between them today.

Like mine, her story is one of leaving all she knew and held dear as a child to reprogram herself: to decide for herself what was right, good, and valuable. We also both lost many of the family relationships we valued in our process of becoming who we are now. I honestly hope to meet Ms. Westover one day, share a glass of wine and talk over who she is today. Her story is inspiring and stays with me. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35133922-educated?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=3mGCyQW7H1&rank=1

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How to Apply for a Birth Certificate

For most people, when you need a copy of your birth certificate you go to your parents who have one stored safely away in a file or baby book. Parents may tearfully hand it over because you are growing up and need to use it. You will eventually need one to gain identification or apply for some school, program, or job.

When you have neglectful, abusive, addicted, or otherwise non-functioning parents, that is usually not the case. For myself and many of the others I have met who have spent time in foster care or otherwise raising themselves, needing a birth certificate or social security card can be a barrier that is insurmountable unless help is found. I hope to write this and help someone else manage that hurdle easier than I did.

Step one: Find as much information about your birth as you can: Parent’s full names, date, and city of birth are a must. If you do not have this information, find any files or paperwork you have about yourself (Medical bills, foster care files, dental records). Look in unusual places for clues and ask anyone you come into official contact with. Someone will have the information on file.

Step two: Find the vital records office for the county you were born in. Usually, a search for “Vital records” on a mapping program will show the ones nearest you and can be set to any location. Your town office may have the information if you can’t find it.

Step three: Once you know where you were born, you can usually order a copy on the phone, online, or in person. If cash is your only means of paying for a copy (they usually run between $6-20), then it will have to be in-person. Anyone’s credit card will work (if you have permission) so if going in-person is not an option then you can ask someone you know to use their card and give them the cash directly.

Step four: Keep it safe. Plan ahead to have a safe folder, binder, or box to keep important papers in. If you order online it will come in the mail, and if you go in they will give you a copy. Either way, you will need to keep it safe so that you don’t have to pay for another copy. Don’t plan on keeping it in your purse or wallet. It’s too easy to lose.

I have a folder like this that I keep in a safe place and only bring out when I need to go somewhere important. ((Not an advertisement, no ad revenue)) https://www.staples.com/staples-13-pocket-expanding-file-folder-coupon-assorted-51828/product_2757021

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Unexpected Care Packs (A Call to Action).

I added a stamped envelope, pen, and paper: inviting them to ’write to someone who misses you.”

Every time I see someone panhandling, sleeping on the street, or hitchiking with a large pack my heart catches. I think back to my long hours of waiting at bus stops in the cold, snow, and rain. I sat watching hundreds of cars go by with only the driver inside. I was resentful then and still often feel guilty if I drive anywhere alone in my minivan.

I watched the people pass by as I sat. I was hungry, tired, cold and wet. I never asked anyone for anything, but I wished desperately that someone would offer me a kind word, a snack, or a ride. I imagined sliding into a warm car and being driven in comfort before being dropped off close to my house. It rarely if ever happened.

I know what it feels like to wonder where I would sleep at night. I know what kind of desperate obsession hunger becomes when you can see others eating things you cannot have. I can easily disregard the choices that may have led people to the point where they are now: standing with a cardboard sign. I simply see a person suffering, that could benefit from any kindness.

Nowadays I rarely carry cash. All my income is direct-deposited and I don’t often need cash. In those moments when I see someone who is so very much in need, I often wish I had something to give them.

I have recently hit upon an idea I am excited about: care packs. The concept is simple; you buy a box of zipper bags and pack them full of small items that a person living rough or down-on-their-luck might need. You then keep them in your car. When you come across someone in need, you give them a care pack instead of, or in addition to, just handing out cash.

Something like this would have made a world of difference for me. I’ll include a list of items that might be good at the bottom of this post.

This is an article about some people in Jacksonville that have been helping people in this way. https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.jacksonville.com/amp/5556519002

Here is my list: Snack bars, protein snacks, rasins, hand sanitizer, face masks, tissues or toilet paper, liquid soap, shampoo, toothbrush/toothpaste, socks, deodorant, soap and washcloth or wipes, a trash bag, a few dollars or a gift card to a grocery store or fast food. * I pack a couple with some feminine hygiene, too. In case I meet a person who needs those.

Drop a comment below with your thoughts? Share pictures if you make some packs of your own!

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    A Simple Act of Kindness Makes a Big Impact on others.

    Many times in my life being seen and included by strangers was the difference between having a really positive experience and having a bad one. Being given a ride by a stranger resulted in a short trip in a warm car instead of freezing at a bus stop. Being invited in to a party meant not being alone for a while. Being asked to stay for dinner could mean I got to eat that day.

    After having lived in New England, even a smile and eye-contact when I’m out on a walk really brightens my day.

    This is why I understand how much it meant to this woman that these boys noticed a her sitting alone and acted. A group of boys at a diner thought about it and made a difference (and a friend!). Here is a news report about it: https://youtu.be/xyhQyi_KrWE

    Have you ever felt sorry when you saw someone who was obviously cold, alone, hungry, or excluded. What would our world look like if we were to act on those feelings and make a difference for others?

    What small thing could you do to make a difference for someone else?

    About a week ago I saw a woman on the side of a busy freeway. It was hot. She looked worried. She was driving a van, so I assumed she had children though I could not tell if they were with her.

    I made a split-second decision to pull over to ask if I could help. It turned out she was out of gas. She had been waiting for an hour for road side assistance. She had three sweaty kids getting impatient. Cars had blown their horns at her. Thousands of people had simply rushed by. We chatted for a minute while I tried to think of how to help. I asked if they had water to drink. Then I realized that it would be complicated to drive back and forth, but I could simply go get her some gas and bring it back. It took me about 10 minutes to borrow a gas can from the station, fill it, and haul it down the road and back again to where she was stuck.

    Once I’d poured the fuel I had into her tank, she could be on her way again. They could all cool off and get home. She gratefully returned the can to the station so that I could be on my own way again. She couldn’t believe that I had stopped to help. I thought that was a little sad. It should be normal to ask for and receive all manner of help from our fellow humans.

    I hope you’ll join me as I continue to seek out opportunities to give a simple act of kindness to those who need it.

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    Pieces of me (Lizbeth Meredith, She Writes Press, 2016)

    Domestic violence is the most common killer of women around the world. (Global study on Homicide, Gender-Related Killing of Women and Girls, U.N. publication, Vienna, 2018). We know this. It’s not a surprise. Leaving a domestic violence situation is most deadly in the first two weeks, but a few very determined men continue to find ways to abuse their wives, ex-wives, partners, and children even after they successfully leave.

    For Lizbeth Merideth, nothing could have prepared her for what happened. She got away. She had custody of her daughters, though the courts insisted on allowing their father unsupervised visitation despite his severe violence against her. She had a gut feeling it was the wrong choice but she was following the court order when she allowed him to take the girls for what should have been a weekend visit.

    Years later, across oceans and borders, she fights to find and rescue her daughters. This is the subject of “Pieces of me,” her story of how she eventually recovers her girls and brings them home.

    I particularly love the honest account of her struggle to reconnect with her daughters after years of parental alienation and across a language barrier. It is well worth the read. I hope you’ll read it and let me know what you think in the comments below.