Bison begin to return to the Dakota Territory.

Photo sourced from linked article

When I was young, my Maha told me stories of buffalo roaming the grasslands, wild and free, in herds of innumerable size. She told me that the “world would shake when they moved.”

Then she told me of the greed of the white man. She shared pictures of 10,000 buffalo skulls stacked into mountainous piles in the sun. Photos of 1,000 or more dead, skinned corpses scattering the grasslands. “You see, white man prized only their skins and tongues,” she said.

We spent hours making fry bread and buffalo stew. She told me of her days in an “Indian school” where they chopped off her hair, doused her with lice powder, and forced her to speak only English.

The wrongs my white ancestors and those like them perpetrated against her people are every bit as atrocious as the crimes of the holocaust, but we did not learn about it in school. White erasure is a primary issue in combatting the lingering injustices faced by our native populations.

They are murdered, lost, and left without economic growth opportunities. Those living on reservations live primarily in desperate poverty.

That’s why the return of the Buffalo matters so much. It means restitution and opportunity for a people that deserves it.

Read this article for more information on the amazing work that is happening now.

Continue reading “Bison begin to return to the Dakota Territory.”

Shoes. Age 10. (An excerpt from “Clothes That Fit,” my upcoming memoir.)

“I can’t find any shoes!” I was nearly in tears and panicking. My only shoes were gone and that meant no school, which meant no meals either.

            “What?” Anne was home and awake that morning as we tried to rush out the door in time to eat breakfast at school. “You’re gonna miss breakfast if you don’t leave really soon.”

“I know!” I sobbed, “but I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find any shoes.” It might seem strange that my shoes could vanish, but with the number of people in and out of our house daily, things went missing all the time and we took it in stride. Granted, it had never been my only pair of shoes that disappeared before.

“Boys, go ahead and go. No point in your missing food.” Anne pushed the boys toward the door. Brandon nearly burst into tears. She stood between me and the boys, who were heading out the door. She turned back to me. “Where did you put them?” she asked, as she picked up her fanny pack and cigarettes, signaling that she was getting ready to leave, too.

“I won’t go to eat if she doesn’t!” Brandon called resolutely from the doorway. I knew he was hungry. We hadn’t eaten since school lunch the day before. We all looked forward to breakfast at school.

“She won’t be going to school at all if we can’t find any shoes. You can’t miss any more school, they already called about it, now go!” She pointed out the door and he started walking, still looking back at me with tears in his eyes as he followed Tony up the stairs to the road.

Anne set her stuff down and looked for the shoes with me for a minute or two. It was not a large space. There were two small bedrooms on a short hallway, a bathroom, and the living/dining/kitchenette we stood in. She stood up from looking under our worn couch with a sympathetic frown on her face.

“Well, if you can’t find them you’ll have to stay home.” She picked her things up again.

“I’ll send you with a note tomorrow, keep looking until you find them,” she said. She pulled on her fanny pack and headed toward the door. I stood in my stocking feet watching her back disappear down the sidewalk. My stomach growled.

            I wonder if not having shoes is an excused absence.

I wasn’t able to go to school that day because I had no shoes. I looked everywhere in our tiny apartment several times. I kept thinking that being late would be better than missing the whole day. I found nothing that would work. In the back of a closet, I found an old pair of Anne’s sandals. She’d barely worn them because they gave her blisters. When I tried to wear them, my feet slipped around and they slipped off unless I walked very carefully. They were way too big. They would never do for a school day.

I sat on the couch. I felt numb and resigned to my lot. I turned through the TV channels trying to find something educational to watch.

This day at home would mean not eating until tomorrow. I searched through the cabinets looking for anything that might have been forgotten but found nothing. Even the leftover cans that were often hidden in the back of the top cabinets had been found and eaten. Nothing was in the fridge except a partial tub of margarine. I debated eating a spoonful, just to eat something, but the thought gagged me, so I shut the door.

It was weeks after we had been to the Bishop’s Warehouse. We stretched the food we’d given as far as it would go, but eventually exhausted our supplies. We still had laundry soap and dish soap, but everything edible was gone.

I watched the morning pre-school shows and drank as much water as I could stomach. The afternoon shows began to run and I grew bored and restless. I shut it off. I could hear my stomach turn, right as the bell for lunch went off at the nearby school. I found my backpack and worked on the next assignments in the books I had brought home. That barely took half an hour, then I was bored again.

I cleaned as much as I could, quietly. I did not want the neighbors to be suspicious so I didn’t vacuum. The last thing I wanted was to explain to anybody that I had to stay home from school because I didn’t have shoes; that would be embarrassing. It might also invite attention from social workers which was an egregious sin in our home. We all toed the line of appearing ‘normal,’ no matter the personal cost.

            I didn’t have anything to read except scriptures at home and I was not in the mood for that type of reading. It was a long, boring day. I knew going outside was a bad idea, at least until school let out, so I shut myself in the house and waited for the day to pass.

            I sat back on the couch, staring at the grey screen. I started to plot. I did not want to spend another day at home because of missing shoes. I searched the house again, and then made a plan.

             After I heard the dismissal bell ring at the school a block away, I headed outside.

I carried the old pair of Anne’s sandals and headed to the thrift store called the D.I. I stopped before going in and put them on my feet. I made sure I was hidden from the view of the door.

Once inside, I carefully walked through the store. Carefully because I was working to keep the sandals on and because I was hoping to avoid being noticed. I made sure that none of the staff was watching me as I made a circuitous path toward the shoes. Once hidden among the aisles of shoes, I pulled off Anne’s sandals and placed them on the adult rack. I knew she would not miss them, and they seemed to me as an offering to the store.

I made my way to the kid’s shoes and looked for a pair I thought would fit me. I pulled a pair of socks from my pocket and slipped them on. I kept an eye and ear out for anyone walking near, but no one was around at all. I tried on a few different pairs of worn sneakers until I found one that was a little bigger than my foot. I figured it would be best if I didn’t grow out of them right away. The prices on the shoes were written in chalk on the sole of one of the shoes. I rubbed the sole of the shoe on the carpet until I was confident that the $2.00 price was no longer visible. With shoes on my feet and a promise of being able to go to school tomorrow, I walked around the store.

             Getting the shoes was only the first part of the plan. I had 50 cents in my pocket, stolen from Kevin’s peanut jar. I knew he might notice two coins missing, but he would probably let it slide. He would have been far more upset if I had taken any more than that. I walked through the racks of clothes and found a T-shirt that fit me. The price read $.25. Perfect! I thought I had to buy something in order to make my presence in the store seem legitimate.

The shirt was pink with a Lisa Frank picture on the front. It was the right size to actually fit me, too. I carried it to the clerk and smiled at him. “Isn’t it pretty?” I gushed. The pimply teen barely glanced at me; though my heart was beating so loud I was sure he would notice. I stood as close to the counter as possible, hoping to avoid showing him the stolen shoes on my feet.

            “Twenty-five cents,” he said. “Do you want a bag?”

            “Sure.” I squeaked. I tried to say it casually but my nerves were singing. It’s working! I just have to keep playing it cool. I pulled both quarters from my pocket and held my hand flat so that he could see I had more than I needed. “Here you go.” I plucked the quarter with my left hand and handed it to him, slipping the other back into my pocket. I smiled again and avoided looking at my shoes while I waited for the receipt. He handed me the bag and receipt and went back to looking at something under the desk. This was long before cell phones, so I assume it was a book he was hiding.

            I took a deep breath and held my eyes forward. I was terrified that a security guard would tackle me as soon as I got to the door. I stopped in front of the door, resting my palm on the cool metal bar for a moment before pushing it. I walked away. Every part of me was screaming “run!” I made myself walk. I knew that if they were watching, it would look suspicious, so I walked. I avoided looking back. I made it across the parking lot and didn’t start running until I was sure I was out of sight.

            I stopped running after a few blocks when my side started aching. The plastic shopping bag in my hand hung limp around the pink shirt crumpled inside. I smiled at it and at the new sneakers. They were pretty nice. And, I’ll get to go to school tomorrow. I breathed a sigh of relief that my plan had worked. I didn’t feel bad stealing. It was just something I had to do. I needed shoes. Going to school was a lifeline. It was my only source of affection, appreciation, and accomplishment. It was also my primary source of nutrients.

            I felt hungry and thirsty. I didn’t have the energy to run anymore. I was weak and tired. I had already over-exerted myself, and the adrenaline from my heist was wearing off. I thought about the quarter in my pocket and decided that I would head to the nearby grocery store to cool off and drink water. I could look for free samples and buy a 10 cent donut. There was even an Arctic Circle on the way where I could get a free ice cream cone if I stopped in and asked.

            It turned out to be a great afternoon, though we never did find out what happened to my shoes.

Before you Query…

Summer Vacation

Last summer, as I was riding home from vacation I began to wonder about the publishing process.

I know how to write. That part is going well. Publishing itself is a very different task than writing, however. I know that writing a first draft and then editing over and over again is only a start. I know that hiring an editor and finding an agent are important next steps. I had very little idea of how to accomplish those steps, so I began to research how to set myself up with the greatest chance of success.

I knew I had a lot to learn, so I decided to start learning before my manuscript was ready. I thought looking for publisher and agent advice was a good start.

This article was very helpful. I’m glad to share it with you. I hope you take some of the advice. Please let me know if it helps you?

https://www.smithpublicity.com/2016/06/5-things-literary-agents-wished-every-writer-knew/?_vsrefdom=googleppc&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg6v1iNiP5gIVOvfjBx1_GA5xEAAYAiAAEgKU-_D_BwE

Update: there is another program that is very useful for researching agents. It also helps you track your queries! Unsurprisingly, it’s called Query Tracker. There are free and paid memberships and both have many useful tools to help you select the agents or publishers that are most likely to be a good fit. I love that I’m able to record which agents I have queried, which ones i would like to query, and who to avoid! I hope it’s a resource you find helpful. Please comment below if you find it useful?

Getting very close! (87,572 words)

Are you waiting for my new book to be available?

I promise you, I’m working hard. I’m very close to completing the draft writing process but there are so many more steps. Editing of the first chapters is underway and they are turning out so much better. Thanks for sticking with me!!!

I found this video and I’m struggling to decide what to do about publishing now. (I already have an agent/publisher I have spoken with and have a shortlist of others to query if I decide on that route, so take those warnings with that in mind).

 https://www.thecreativepenn.com/self-publishing-vs-traditi…/

I’m so ready to have a copy in my hands. I promise I’ll get one in yours as soon as it’s ready! I may offer pre-sales soon, with some bonus material on a Kickstarter or other campaign. What would you think about that?

A Stolen Life (Jaycee Dugard)

Stolen Life Cover

If you have not read Jaycee Dugard’s Memior “A Stolen Life,” you should.

You may remember that her life was changed forever when she was kidnapped one morning on her way to the bus stop. The world watched in shock 18 years later when she walked into an FBI office with her two daughters and the kidnappers that had posed as her ‘parents’ while keeping her prisoner in a backyard full of tents and trash. She writes an unflinching account of her ordeal and how she managed to hold onto hope in the direst of circumstances. Hers is a tale of resilience and hope.

This memoir was published by Simon and Schuster (2011).

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11330361-a-stolen-life

CW: sexual abuse and violence.

Have you ever wondered who the best Literary Agents are?

I know. I can hear you saying “the agents that rep your favorite bestsellers are not going to be taking queries.”

Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Needed? Is it Kind?

My (adopted) mom always says “The answer you have is ‘No’ if you don’t ask.” So why not query even your favorite agents? Maybe you’ll be rejected, but maybe not. And, maybe a rejection could lead to a referral, or some valuable feedback.

If you’d like help finding an agent who reps comparable works, maybe try looking here: https://querytracker.net/clients.php?g=W

Art for the Heart, a project

An artist on Twitter (@MatthewTessnear) once posted that he was offering three canvases to followers that donated $25 to nami.org. I loved the idea. My bio-mother suffered from untreated mental illness, which was the primary reason for all of my childhood trauma. I fully support organizations that strive to assist people to live better and more productive lives because I know it impacts all the people who care for those individuals as well.

I donated right away and took a screenshot to send him. Then I realized that he lived in North Carolina.

My plan had been to gather the painting and donate it to a local protective services worker to give to a teen in foster care. You see, I know from experience that they often have very little and what resources they do have are used in trying to keep them supplied with basics. There is rarely attention paid to providing for their hearts. I thought about what joy it would have brought me to have received a beautiful canvas to hang in my room!

So I wrote to him and asked him to contact his local workers and offer it to them, on my behalf.

He loved the idea, THEY loved the idea, and a project was born.

Here is my challenge: Gather artwork, create art, or ask for artwork donations (Medium/smaller sizes are likely best in case they have to move). Find your local protective services agency or children’s home and donate it. I’m calling “Art for the Heart” and I hope you’ll comment with stories and pictures as you do! Let’s get some love, beauty, and art into the lives of people who could really use it?

The Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls)

A memoir that was really striking was The Glass Castle, by Jeanette Walls. I found it very difficult to read because many of Jeanette’s experiences were raw, real, and far too familiar for me.


I chose this story from a list in college and completed a review assignment on it for my Human Behavior course. It was and has remained a beacon of hope for me. Not only because she survived and created a wonderful life for herself, but because she was able to share her story with so many people. I truly hope to be able to share mine like that, someday.

Jeanette lives a transient existence as a child, suffering due to the careless and ineffectual parenting of her flighty artist mother and mercurial father. His lofty plan to build a glass castle for them all to live in entrances her as a child, but develops into a symbol of disappointment.
Her strength and resolve lead her to a successful life doing what she loves. This has given me hope for many years. I hope you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I did.

A Reminder to Myself to be Compassionate when I am Weary

As a mom, and a childhood trauma survivor, I find it very difficult at times to differentiate between when my child is being particularly difficult, and when I am personally struggling. It often looks and feels the same, but the response needs to be different.

This article voiced some of the reminders I have been giving myself while staying at home. I would add to the title so it would read “Why *you and* your child are being babies right now.”

https://www.today.com/parents/child-regression-signs-regression-kids-what-do-about-it-t177861?fbclid=IwAR0kU2M4WNb4TijLvsogZJSmFy2u9D3uZoX6FBwfYSVltwpKny1NrC0azok

A Trigger, in the form of a Schoolbus.

I am reminded daily of my past. It crops up in little ways but sometimes hits me like… well, like a school bus.


As a service to families in our area during the pandemic shutdown, our local school district has been delivering meals for our kids. Every couple of days each of them receives a bag of breakfast foods, a bag of lunch foods, and a few cartons of milk and juice. We have appreciated it. It has helped us to shop less, relax more, and the kids have enjoyed both the delivery and the individually packed snacks that are unusual in our house.

Today, the system changed so that instead of volunteers, the bus drivers began to deliver the meals. It was a great way to ensure delivery to all students, and keep the bus drivers driving and paid.

I was very triggered by what happened.

The kids were all anxiously waiting in our window seat as we heard the beeping of a bus outside. We saw a school bus pull up outside our house and park. The driver got out, opened the door to reveal bagged lunches intended for kids, and checked his list. He then shut the door, drove the bus around our street for a few minutes, delivered meals across the street, and then left. 

We are fine, we have food enough, and I’m sure it will get sorted. It was just crushing for me that the kids stood watching in anticipation and then watched the bus drive away. 

Their disappointment was nothing compared to the memory that it triggered for me. They accepted my reassuring words that things would be sorted out. They trust me to make sure that they have food. Theirs was the mild disappointment of delayed surprises.

For me, there is very little that compares to the childhood trauma of being so very hungry and watching other people eat when I was a kid. Trained to never tell anyone I was hungry I would sit silently while I could see and smell food just feet from me. I sometimes watched people throw food away after taking only one bite. Like a trained dog, I would hold perfectly still and silent. That all came back as I watched the bus drive away today. I managed my own feelings by creating a meal for them from things we already had on hand, and by calling to have the mistake corrected. The transport dispatcher was very apologetic and promised the driver would be redirected to us as soon as he could. The kids didn’t even look up when I told them, they were fed and happy. I tried to take comfort from that.

We will be fine and I really don’t need anything, it was just a hard experience for me. It didn’t help that I hadn’t taken the time to eat breakfast, either.

Another piece of breaking the cycle is learning to take care of my needs before they are overdue.