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Self-Care for the Memoir Writer

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Why are you writing a memoir?

For most, it is either that they are a celebrity or near-celebrity and want to share an intimate look of life behind-the scenes, or they have a particular brand of traumatic experience and want to share that. Of the latter, there are also at least two categories. The ones I recognize are ‘writing for therapy’ and ‘writing from hope.” I’m trying very hard to write from hope; a sense of hope that comes from having made a life for myself despite my early circumstances.

It’s my childish hope that one day my story might shed a little light into the dark places of another’s hardest moments. Be they in the past or present, there is a chance that those times can be made a little easier for others by reading about my determination to thrive.

It keeps me writing.

But, the writing process is fraught with triggers. I am intentionally looking into my own darkest moments, dusting them off and making them look brand-new for my reader’s viewing.

How does a writer work to take care of themselves as they willingly put themselves through that process on a daily basis? We all know about prayer, meditation, and yoga. I’m a mom-of-four, if I try to do yoga I typically end up with kids climbing on me. Prayer and meditation are hard with the constant screaming and interruptions.

I’ve looked for years and collected some of the best bits of other advice on how to recover from triggers. I’ve paid attention to what has worked to get me back to writing. Some have worked well; others have not. There is little rhyme or reason to the success or failure of any method, because each trigger and person is unique. My advice is to try them out and see what works best for you.

  1. Take a break: This works, but doesn’t help you get back to it if it turns into days or weeks.
  2. Take a walk: Did not work for me. The more you walk, the farther you are from home.
  3. Take a drink: I mean alcohol. This works, in moderation. I don’t like to “write drunk, edit sober.”
  4. Breathe: This works to bring me down one notch, but it is not effective if I need to come down ten notches.
  5. Change your temperature: This gem of advice from my therapist has been a game-changer. Get a cold cloth on your face, or warm sweater and socks on your body. It really helps shut down the physiological trigger process and helps me get back to center.
  6. Eat/drink: Really, how many of us forget to eat and drink enough while writing. Hunger and thirst can be triggers all by themselves. Self-care means feeding yourself!
  7. Call someone: Do you already have friends or family that support you through the process? Find someone you can call and talk to about your process. It will make your writing better.
  8. Journal: Not for the memoir, but just to get out all the thoughts and feelings you have that need to get out of the way before you can get back to writing good, concise stories.
  9. Watch mindless TV: Shut down your brains and dissociate! You have permission. Sometimes it can be very good to let go and let your brain work on it for a while. I have found it is much easier to go back and edit/finish writing that triggering piece after I have stewed on it awhile.
  10. Read something unrelated: For the same reason as mindless TV, but possibly more productive as reading helps to develop your voice. I also find that reading helps my own stories bubble up. Twice this week I have put down a book to write a story that needs to be added.
  11. Take a bath/shower: I think this works, in part, because it changes your temperature. I think it also helps to clear the air, ground out negative energy, and reset the mind. It can also help you to feel better about your appearance, which can give you an added boost.

If you have more coping strategies or want to share how these worked for you, leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear from you.

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Community Support Makes All the Difference

Who do you call if you need help moving a couch or a bed frame? Where do you turn if you need to pay a bill before your first paycheck comes in? Who do you call for advice if you have trouble with a landlord or roommate? Most of us call parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or siblings. Many of us have a best friend, coworker, or neighbor we’ve known long enough to form a relationship with, at least.

When you grow up in foster care, or just with negligent parents, the answer is different. Many of those family or otherwise long-term relationships that build social capital are torn asunder. Regardless of the cause, when a person moves frequently, they don’t have the opportunity to build long-lasting relationships in their community. This leaves them even more isolated than we might expect them to be.

Well, Oregon is reaching out to the helpers in their state to offer a helping hand to those we know need it. Their magnificent new idea in social innovation is called My Neighbor. It’s an online clearinghouse of volunteers who are ready, by phone or text, to offer support to foster youth in their community. They call it an “Emergency Response System” and it is already changing the outcomes for young people in and out of foster care.

Have a truck? You could volunteer to make a life-changing delivery of a bed to a foster youth’s first independent apartment.

Do you have a car? You could drive a young person to an opportunity-presenting interview.

Maybe you could tutor a young person hoping to pass a class or graduate. Maybe you could provide a much-needed bag of diapers and baby supplies to a struggling new parent. Maybe you could just donate a little money so that the organization can meet the emergency needs of a youth that calls in.

Imagine being the person that stops the initial event that would have led to a downward spiral?

When I was young, I had no one to call for help. I didn’t have the money to buy new brake pads for my car, so I drove on worn ones until the brakes stopped working. Then I walked. I lost my car, and then my job because of the cost of a pair of brake pads. It was four years of hard work before I was able to purchase another car, with the help of a friend’s parent. That single loan of $700 changed my life. I was able to work, and was then able to pay down debt. I eventually graduated from college, still driving that car. I wish I could call that man today and thank him for helping me turn things around. And, I wish I could change the script for all those in need. I can’t do that alone, but organizations like this one allow us to all pool what we have, or what we can do. They allow support for those individuals in need to come from a group of neighbors who decided that their lives were worth it.

Let’s work together to be those people.

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Philanthropic kids get creative, then get busy.

My children and I tend to bring a trash bag with us whenever we go into the woods. Human access leads to trash being dumped. We have upped our game and started taking walks and hikes with the express intent of cleaning the world. It’s their idea and I think therapeutic: It’s a tangible something they can DO to affect the state of our world.

I have always known that kids aren’t stupid, they’re just young. Because of COVID-19, kids across the country, and around the world, are out of school with a lot of free time on their hands. It’s not surprising that they are coming up with a lot of ideas about how to affect positive change in the world they will inherit. With the support of adults around them, they are working to make change happen. Big or small, I know their efforts are the right thing to do, for them and the people they serve. Follow the hyperlinks to articles for more detail on each story.

This young woman began hosting bake sales to raise money for Parkinson’s disease research. Inspired by a family who suffers from the horrible disease, she’s working to make sure others can have more effective treatments.

These Girl Scouts are collecting supplies to donate to the local animal shelter. They had plans to complete a group service project, but COVID-19 meant that they had to get creative with their project.

This young man started providing PPE to his community as an Eagle-scout project. He just couldn’t sit by doing nothing when he knew there were shortages happening.

I’m so proud of these young people getting out there to serve their communities despite the challenges of the pandemic. I look forward to the thoughts they will have about the world after this experience. Are you getting out to serve in your area? Comment below with your ideas!